Severus' Secret Pain
by Verity Grahams
Summary: What would the night Voldemort was defeated feel like for Severus Snape - only in this universe, he is Harry's father!


Spinner's End was a dingy part of town. It was a dark cobblestoned street, the road was narrow, and the houses leaned in giving a feeling of claustrophobia. There was one resident that felt particularly paranoid, the empty windows all seemed to watch him. Logically, he knew that there was no way that any of his enemies were spying on him from a poor Muggle street in an industrial town, especially when his enemies believed he was one of them. That's because, Severus Snape, who lived alone on Spinner's End, was a spy.

Inside the small home, Severus sat with a friend, Remus. They had been friends since their fifth year at Hogwarts and the ill-fated incident that had almost resulted in Severus' death. Before then they had been enemies—it really is funny how things work out. Remus was one of the few people that knew Severus' secret and was the one to whom he relayed all his information.

"Do you have any idea who the spy is?" Remus asked him.

A lot of information was being fed back to You-Know-Who—their great enemy—and they had been trying to figure out who it was.

"No, he said it's someone that can get him 'the Potters'," Severus said, his voice shaking. "He can't get to them! This is why I wanted you to be the secret keeper!"

"Sirius would never betray James! He believes that Harry is James' son, that Lily is his wife. Sev, I promise you, Lily is in good hands!" Remus looked sure. "Sirius would die for them, and he certainly wouldn't kill someone."

"Really? You don't think Sirius has it in him to kill?" Severus asked, his eyes wild with panic. "I remember–"

"We were fifteen!" Remus retorted.

"It was only six years ago!"

"I know, but–he's just an idiot! I promise he wouldn't do this!" Remus urged his friend to accept the words, but Severus just gave him a stiff nod.

It was a grim acceptance of his friend's words, but clearly, the man was uneasy. It wasn't long before his head was in his hands, his usually flat and greasy hair was entangled in long pale fingers. His sleeves rolled up to his elbows, his frock coat unbuttoned, and his robes hanging off of him.

"This, this needs to stop! This war, this insanity. I need my life back!" He continued, getting up and pacing the small dining room, scratching at the inside of his forearm, an arm he hadn't even realised he was itching.

"Severus, your mark! It's—it's fading?" Remus said, questioningly.

He raised his arm, and sure enough the dark mark—a skull entangled in a serpent whose head protruded from the mouth of the skull—was starting to fade.

"What does that mean?" he asked as he examined the fading tattoo.

"Sev, it means the one that created it—it means he's gone!" Remus stood there, almost in awe of Severus' arm, a tentative smile on his face. He sighed and continued, "How about we go and reunite you with your wife and son?"

He didn't have to be told twice, and it wasn't long before he was apparating.

They arrived in the small village of Godric's Hollow. It was the opposite of Spinner's End; it had beautiful cottages and a backdrop of green hills. They appeared near the church, just a short way from the house. They walked to where they knew they would find the house where Lily lived with James. He wasn't Lily's husband, despite popular belief. He was standing in, the explanation for Lily and Severus' child, and in so many ways he was protecting Severus' identity as a spy.

When they got there, they didn't see the idyllic cottage with honeysuckle creeping up the outside walls. They didn't see the thatched roof, with a chimney that spewed clouds of smoke, a sign of the cosy fire inside. The cottage was nothing like he remembered, it was bathed in green light, light from the fading dark mark which hovered in the sky.

The thatched roof had caved in, singed and burnt on the ends. The cobbled bricks that made up the house where blackened and charred, cracks forming in the once solid walls. The door swung open of its own accord, welcoming anyone into the home. A home that should have been protected by the strongest enchantments.  
Severus stood, frozen in fear. It had been mere minutes since he noticed his faded mark, and already the hope and joy he felt had vanished. Instead, he felt ice-cold dread settling in the pit of his stomach.

"Lily," he whispered.

His face hardened, a habit he had when the pain overwhelmed him. He shut out the world and everyone in it, a hard shell designed to protect his softer, fragile heart. Resolutely holding little to no hope, he ventured towards the house.

He pushed his way through the door and immediately came upon the living room. It looked as though it were any other night, a book balanced on the sofa, toys littering the floor, even the Daily Prophet lay open at the latest Quidditch scores.

Hope sparked when he heard the faint cries of a little boy, his little boy; Harry. He rushed through the opposite door, and there on the bottom of the stairs was James. His eyes were wide open, but lifeless, his signature glasses askew. The man's wand lay uselessly beside him. Severus didn't even pause, stepping over him, only to be pulled back.

"Sev, he's dead!" Remus scolded. "I think he deserves a little more respect considering he died to protect your wife and child."

"That would depend on if my wife and child have survived. If they didn't, then he died without completing the job which he was assigned to." His voice was cold and uncaring.

Severus was a selfish man, he made no bones about that; he cared only for Lily and Harry. James had signed up to protect them, and if that cost him his life, then so be it. Severus pulled his arm free and continued up the stairs. He rushed past the master bedroom, the cries of the little boy getting louder and louder.

Finally, he pushed open the door to baby Harry's room. Lily was the first thing that he saw, lay in front of the white cot. Her bright red hair splayed out on the floor. She was looking right at him, but she wasn't there. She was gone. Suddenly, his world ended; there was no hope anymore. Severus was quickly losing the ability to stand, to think, to rationalise the life that he was imprisoned in.

He did all that he could, and that was to collect her lifeless body into his arms and hold her one final time. The emotional dam burst, Severus couldn't hold back the pain anymore, and as he clung to his lifeless love, his heart broke, and when he was able, his son. This was how Remus found him.

It was like he was intruding on an intensely private moment like he shouldn't be there at all. Remus knew that they had to figure out what had happened. Had Voldemort been destroyed? Why was Harry alive? What was the scar on his head? Unfortunately, in wartime, there is no time to grieve.

"Sev," he whispered, his voice breaking. "We have to call someone, Albus maybe."

Severus looked up, Remus was clearly affected. Tears rolled down his cheeks, his expression showed just how much this had broken him too. The three of them had been so close, Remus, Severus and Lily.

"Expecto Patronum," Severus choked out the words.

A silvery doe burst from his wand, a symbol of the woman that he loved. She encompassed all the attributes of the doe—her own Patronus—its gentleness, softness, its femininity, and its authority. It was a perfect representation of the woman that he loved. The only woman that he could ever love. As the doe faded into the distance, carrying his message to the one wizard that could help, Severus' expression went from broken to as hard as stone.

"Sirius will pay for this, I will kill him with my bare hands," he spat.

"I'll help you," Remus replied.


End file.
